


Captive Sunshine

by aftermathangel



Series: Captive Sunshine [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:06:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1230967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftermathangel/pseuds/aftermathangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a bezerk fan kidnaps Sauli, Adam enlists the glamberts to help in finding him. But even if they succeed will he ever be the same?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Isn't Like Him

** Adam **

I walked in the front door and threw my messenger bag on the couch. My footsteps tapped on the hardwood steps as I made my way upstairs.

“Baby I’m home. Sorry that I’m late we got on a writing kick.” I suddenly realized that it was quiet … too quiet. When I reached the bedroom my boyfriend Sauli was nowhere to be seen. “Sauli where are you?” I called my voice eerily echoing in the empty house.

It was unusual for him not to be there. Not that he didn’t go out without me at times but he ALWAYS left a note for me or sent a text. Figuring he might’ve left a note on the fridge, I walked into the kitchen. Sure enough there was a highlighter yellow post it note stuck there with a magnet for good measure. I walked over and gently yanked it downward freeing it.

_Adam,_

_Decided to go for a jog in Runyon for a bit I’ll be home no later than 1pm. I tried to call you but I guess you didn’t have your phone on. Love you and I’ll see you then._

_Sauli_

I looked at my watch and realized that it was already 2:30pm … this was NOT like Sauli. I picked up my phone to see if he had texted saying he would be late but there was only the missed call from this morning when he said he was leaving. Panicking a bit I dialed his phone number but it went straight to voicemail. Quickly I changed into my hiking gear and grabbed my keys heading out to check Runyon. The entrance was only about a ¼ mile from the house so I headed that way and started walking Sauli’s regular path. I got to the end of the trail and he was nowhere to be seen. At the end a girl noticed me and ran over, it was obvious she was a fan.

“Adam hi! It’s funny that I see you today too.” She was covered in sweat but just glowing in excitement.

“What do you mean too?”

“Oh … I saw Sauli a few hours ago.”  

“You did?!? When?” My eyes grew wide in response and she got a questioning look on her face seeing how serious I looked.

“Maybe about 11:30am or so? I talked to him for a few minutes and then he walked off and was talking with some girl. They walked over toward the parking lot up that way.”

“Did you recognize her from any of his pictures?” He was ALWAYS posting pictures of/with his friends so I knew if it was one of them my girls would be able to tell me in a heartbeat. All of my optimism was dashed when she shoot her head no.

“No … she didn’t look familiar. Is everything ok Adam?”

“No … he’s missing. If you see him or think of anything else please send me a tweet. I have to get back home in case I missed him.”

“Will do Adam don’t worry. We’ll help you figure out where he is.”

I walked back to the house hoping that somehow I had missed him and he was waiting for me but as I walked in the door it was just as quiet as it had been before I left. I sighed and sat on the couch dialing his phone number again and again.


	2. Can You Help Me

** Sauli **

Rays of sunlight filtered in thru the window and woke me up. I looked over at Adam’s side of the bed and then remembered that he wouldn’t be home till 12pm. He had a couple of meetings with producers for his new cd. I was feeling a little anxious so I decided to go get a good run in to release some of the anxiety. It always seemed to do the trick. I pulled out my phone and dialed Adam’s number but it went straight to voicemail. Sitting on the end table was a pad of post-its so I ripped off a sheet and started writing a note for Adam. On my way out the door I stopped in the kitchen and secured it to the fridge with a magnet. I left the house and started running on my regular trail. When I was almost to the end, I noticed a girl sitting on a bench and she gave me a huge smile.

“Hi.” I smiled in response not wanting to come off rude. As I did I could see the glow spread on her cheeks.

“Hey Sauli.”

I chuckled running my hand across my bicep. “Oh you know who I am?”

“Of course!” She gestured to her wrist and I saw a black and yellow bracelet wrapped around it. She was a glambert, one of Adam’s fans. “I love you so much. You are such a little ray of sunshine, you make so many people so happy sweetheart. Would I be able to get a picture with you quick if you don’t mind?”

“I’m all sweaty it’s going to be a crappy picture.” I teased wiping sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.

“I don’t care if you don’t. You still look handsome.”

“Alright come here.”

She leaned in closer to me and quickly snapped a photo. “Thanks Sauli! You legit just made my month.”

“You are so welcome sweetheart. Have a great day alright?”

“Will do!”

She flashed me another brilliant smile before I got up and ran off toward the end of the trail. As I got a little further a girl was standing there. I recognized her from seeing her running before and gave a small smile as I approached.

“Excuse me, do you think you could help me?”

“What do you need help with?”

“I have a flat tire. There is a spare but I don’t know how to change it. Do you by any chance?” She was so panicked I couldn’t not help her. It wouldn’t take me long at all and chances are I would still beat Adam home.

“Sure where is your car?”

“In the upper parking lot over there.” I followed her up about a ½ mile to the upper lot and started changing their tire. The sun had really started to come out and the sweat was just pouring off my face and neck. I reached for my water bottle but realized that it was empty. I finished securing the new tire and stood up wiping whatever sweat I could away. The girl extended her arm offering me a bottle of water. “Here it’s the least I can do for your help.”

“Thanks. It’s really gotten hot all of a sudden. Usually isn’t this bad this time of year what is with this?”

I opened the bottle and downed half of it in one gulp. Then I emptied a little into the palm of my hand splashing my face with it to cool off. As I stood there I started feeling a little woozy and held onto the car for support.

“Hey are you ok. You don’t look good.”

“No … I feel really funny all of a sudden almost like I’m going to pass out.”

“It’s probably from the heat. Here I’ll turn my air conditioner on sit on the backseat for a few minutes.”

She opened the car door and I sat down shaking a bit. Suddenly everything went black and I collapsed backward onto the seat.


	3. He's Going To Be Ok

** Adam **

Hours past with no sign of Sauli, I was a complete and utter mess. I finally decided to log onto twitter to see if anyone else had ran into him on the trail this morning. Scrolling thru my feed I found a tweet from the girl I had seen earlier.

_@bjspunkprincess: @adamlambert I thought this might help. This is the picture I took with Sauli this morning._

I opened up the link and saw my angel with a huge smile on his face. I gently brushed my finger over his face and started to cry … I was so scared. As independent as Sauli was he would NEVER not text me to let me know where he was. He knew that I worried way too much. I had called the cops and they took a statement, but they wouldn’t do anything search-wise until 24 hours past. About an hour before I had called Katri, one of Sauli’s friends, to see if Sauli had called her. I had to leave a message and was waiting for her to call me back. As I sat there my mind racing and stomach tumbling, the phone rang.

_“Hello!?!”_

_“Adam I just got your message. It sounded urgent is everything ok?!?”_

_“Did you talk to Sauli this morning?”_

_“No not since yesterday. Why what’s wrong?!?”_

_“He’s missing … he went out to Runyon canyon this morning and I don’t know what happened to him. One of my fans talked to him and saw him walk up to the parking lot with some girl.”_

_“Are … are the cops involved?”_

_“They took a statement. They won’t start looking until tomorrow. I ... I don’t know what to do.”_ I let out a frustrated sob of a cry that sounded like a cross between a whine and a squealing pig.

_“I’m going to fly out there. I can help you look.”_

_“You don’t have to Katri.”_

_“I might not have to but I want to. You don’t mind if I stay with you do you?”_

_“Of course not.”_

_“I’ll see you tomorrow ok? Stay strong Adam … he’s going to be ok.”_

_“I hope you’re right …”_

I hung up the phone and went into our bedroom. Sauli hadn’t made the bed because he knew we would be cuddled back up under the covers once we both got home. I snuggled under them on Sauli’s side and buried my head in his pillow. His scent wafted into my nose and relaxed me enough that I could get a few hours of sleep.


	4. I'd Never Hurt You

** Sauli **

The fierce pain in my head hit me before I even opened my eyes. I grunted and soon I felt hands tenderly running thru my hair. It felt AMAZING!

“Mmmm Addy that feels so good … my head is killing me.” I opened my eyes and jolted backward … standing in front of me was the woman from the trail NOT Adam. “Wha … What are …?!?” Before I could say any more she lightly covered my mouth with 2 of her fingers.

“Shh it’s ok Sauli. I’ll take care of you now.” I looked around the unfamiliar room and got a sickening feeling in my stomach. It seemed as though it was a converted basement of some sort with luxurious furniture and a big screen TV. The girl put her fingers back in my hair again and I cowered as soon as they got close. She saw and tisked clicking her tongue from my disobedience. “I’d never hurt you sunshine. Never … ever hurt you. Trust me.”

“Where … am I?” I slowly questioned still taking in the room around me.

“You’re home silly. Do you like your bed? I hope that it’s perfect for you.”  

My eyes grew huge and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. “But Adam he’s going to worry … can I call him.” She shook her head no and smiled at me.

“You don’t need to worry about him anymore. I’m all you need now.” She leaned down on top of me and kissed my lips forcing her tongue in my mouth. I felt violated and dirty as her tongue probed the cavity. She could tell I wasn’t enjoying it and pulled away petting my face with her hands. “Poor baby … you’ll learn to love it don’t worry. I’ll take good care of you. I’m going to go make you some breakfast.”

“Breakfast? I’ve been gone a day already?!?”

“Yes you’ve been sleeping silly.”  

“You … you drugged me!” I sat up straighter angry that I trusted her. Angry that she would do something like that.

“Oh it was just a mild sedative sunshine. How else would I get you here?” She chuckled smoothing my hair as I trying to dodge it.

“But where is … here?”

“Just a little cabin in the middle of 40 acres. Have to make sure my sunshine won’t run away. You’d never find your way out of here … you’d starve. We wouldn’t want that would we?”

I just looked at her as she walked upstairs locking the door as she left the room. I realized that my phone was still in my pocket and quickly pulled it out. It didn’t take long to realize there was no cell signal here. Adam had to be worried sick and my heart hurt even thinking about him … my poor Addy.


	5. Somewhere Different

** Adam **

I didn’t get much sleep and soon there was a knock at the door. When I opened it Katri was standing there. Tears started flowing down my cheeks and I wrapped my arms around her and started sobbing on her shoulder.

“Everything will be ok Adam … Sauli is going to be ok. Have you asked your fans for help?”

“Yes … all the local fans are searching everywhere. They’re doing a better job than the fucking cops.”

It was sad how true that statement was. My girls had broken up into teams and searched Runyon canyon from top to bottom looking for anything. They were so amazing. I had printed out fliers and I went with Katri to post them everywhere we possibly could. Soon it got dark and we gave up and headed home. I had set up a prepaid cell phone for people to call tips in and soon the phone started ringing.

_“Hello?”_

_“Hi I’m calling about the missing person’s flier. I saw that guy this morning in Runyon. He was with this girl, her name is Miranda … Miranda Peterson. Last I saw they were walking toward the upper parking lot.”_

My heart started thumping in my chest at the sound of the girl’s name. It made it seem all that much more real “ _Do you know where she lives?”_

_“No I don’t … sorry.”_

_“That’s ok … thank you so much that will help more than you know.”_

I hung up the phone and immediately called the police telling them the news. Within a few hours they had her house located and I insisted on going over with the SWAT team. It was a small ranch home in a quiet neighborhood you could’ve never guessed that such a person lived there. They busted the door down but there was nobody there … she had taken him somewhere else and we had no idea where that would be.


	6. You're Mine

** Sauli **

A year went by and I became a shell of my former self. I hardly ate … I had lost so much weight and could barely get out of bed. I just laid there and didn’t flight her every time she wanted sex. I was broken and just let her do whatever she wanted.  She had tried using a strap-on to try to make me feel more comfortable but it just made it worse. I didn’t want to live anymore I was completely and utterly gone. Miranda, which I had found out was the girl’s name, was at a loss of what to do. I was so weak I could barely speak. She walked downstairs with some toast and orange juice. I turned away from her and faced the wall.

“Please Sauli … eat this for me? I’ll do anything please … you’re so weak.”

I hesitantly turned toward her and slowly nibbled on the pieces of toast. I slowly sipped on the orange juice and she brushed my hair back from my forehead and kissed it. She walked over toward the TV and turned it on. I hadn’t been able to watch it … not much anyway because she had a lock code on it. She entered the code and went back upstairs to retrieve whatever she was going to put on. The news was on the TV and Adam was on the TV begging for my safe return. I just stared at my angel sobbing my already fractured heart crumbling into dust at the sight of him that broken. Miranda quickly ran over and turned the channel once she realized what was on.

“No … please let me see him. I need to see him.” I begged tears coming hard and heavy down my face.

“This is what this is … you don’t need to see that news coverage sunshine. Everything will be ok.”

She put in a dvd of one of Adam’s performances. I didn’t want to hear him sing … it hurt far too much. As soon as she left the room I buried myself under my pillows and tried to tune everything out. I fell asleep and a few hours later she walked into the room.

“Sauli … I have to go out for a couple days I’ll be home on Sunday. I’ll leave the basement door open … I trust you not to leave. I’ll miss you my beautiful sunshine.”

She left the basement door open and I could hear the front door close a few minutes later. I had to get upstairs somehow but I didn’t think I’d have the energy to get up there my muscles were so weak and my bones felt like they could snap at any given moment. I slowly made my way upstairs using every ounce of energy I had left and collapsed on the couch. The TV remote sat next to me on the couch so I curiously grabbed it and turned it on. Surprisingly this one didn’t have a lock code on it. I found the same news station that had been on downstairs but Adam wasn’t on it anymore. Sighing I slumped down into the couch cushions trying to get comfortable. Trying to make the pain some radiating from every inch of my frame. I had been playing angry birds on my phone to keep myself sane it was about the only thing I could do. Except this time when I pulled out my phone to play I noticed that I had cell service. Quickly I dialed Adam’s number and a few moments later he answered.

_“Sauli!?!”_

_“Addy … help me please.”_

_“Baby where are you … are you hurt?!?”_

_“I don’t know where I am some cabin in the woods. There’s 40 some acres up here. I’m just so weak … I can’t eat anything. I just want you.”_

_“I know baby and I’ll find you I promise. I’m just so happy to hear your voice. I haven’t given up on you … I never would. I love you so much Sauli … so very much.”_

_“And I love you …”_

I started sobbing which made Adam start crying as well.

_“Everything will be ok sunshine … just stay on the phone with me they’re trying to trace the call.”_

_“The battery is dying … I don’t have the energy to go back downstairs to get the charger. I can barely move.”_ Why couldn’t I have remembered to grab the charger before I walked up … how stupid of me. 

_“Just stay on until it dies.”_

It lasted about 3 minutes before the battery finally gave out. I just stayed on the couch cushion not wanting to ever move. I had just about dozed off again when Miranda came racing in the house in a panic and started to grab my belongings and shove them in a bag. Then she grabbed some of her stuff and gently walked over and pulled me off the couch.

“We need to leave … someone knew who I was. They’re going to be here soon. I need to take you away.”

“Please … please let me go back to Adam. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.” I pleaded just needing to go back and get away from this hell. Needing the comfort of my boyfriend’s arms.

“No you’re MINE … you’re MY sunshine!” She grabbed me and I started to struggle with what little energy I had left. It was no use, she overpowered me easily and shoved me in her trunk so I couldn’t be seen. I just crouched into the fetal position as the smell of exhaust fumes engulfed my nostrils.


	7. I'm Here Now

** Adam **

Before the phone disconnected they were able to get a 1 mile radius as to where the cabin was. I rode along with the police and sure enough we came upon a cabin. They made me wait out by the cop car while they busted down the door. I stood there nervous for a moment but they came back out empty handed. I knew this was where they had to be … at least where they were when Sauli had called. One of the cops came walking over with a sad look on his face and I just broken into a million pieces internally

“Sorry Adam … they’re gone. We’ll continue looking we won’t give up.”

“Can I see inside?” I questioned needing to see if there were any traces of him. The cop nodded and I walked inside the cabin.

After looking around for a few minutes my eyes kept being drawn to the messed up couch. Everything in the room was perfect except for the couch cushions … they looked as though someone had been sitting on them recently. I walked over and picked up one of the cushions to find it smelled like my cologne. My baby must’ve been wearing it to feel closer to me. I went to replace the cushion when my eyes were drawn to his cell phone. Tears flooded my vision as I held onto it like it was my last dollar. My only hope was that she hadn’t found out he had called me. I was just sitting there when one of the cops ran in the house.

“Adam hurry they found her car down in San Diego and there is a chase. She had Sauli in the trunk and he kicked out one of the headlights to get the driver’s attention behind them. They called the police.” I smiled … my brilliant Sauce he was a fighter that’s for sure. I got back in the cop car and we sped down the California coast. About halfway there I overheard an update on the radio. It was full of static and all I could get was that the chase was over and there was at least one casualty. I gasped and the cop looked over at me and patted my shoulder to reassure me. We got to the crash site and I jumped out of the car with the police officer. He asked me to hang back and walked over to talk to the officers that were on scene. I stood there pacing alongside the car until he returned a few minutes later. “Miranda is dead … Sauli is pretty banged up. He’s all bruised and might have some broken bones and a concussion. They have him at the hospital and he’s resting.”

“Can you … can you take me there?”

“Of course.”

We drove the few minutes to the hospital and I walked in the ER. I could hear cries of terror coming from one of the beds. A sickening feeling that it was Sauli crept into my stomach. A nurse saw my panicked expression and gave me a look of compassion.

“Can I help you sweetheart?”

“I’m looking for Sauli Koskinen … he was just brought in a while ago. I’m his boyfriend.”

“That’s who is crying out. He’s sleeping and nobody can get him to wake, he just screams louder.”

I followed the noise down the hall into the far most room. He just kept crying out in pure terror … it broke my heart. I walked closer and gently touched his arm which set him off and his screams increased in volume and intensity.

“No baby it’s me. It’s Addy … nobody is going to hurt you anymore. I’m here sunshine …” I shushed lovingly gently rubbing his arm which slowly calmed him down. His eyes fluttered open and I gave him a sad smile brushing his cheek with the back of my hand.   

“Addy …?”

“Sleep baby I’m not going anywhere.”

He dozed off and about an hour later they came in to check his wounds to see if they had stopped bleeding or if he needed stitches. They lifted up his gown and when I saw the ribs protruding on his chest I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. The doctor saw and gently patted my shoulder.

“He’s been thru hell it seems. He’ll get better, he just needs some TLC is all.”

“Anything broken?”

“Just his arm. He’s got quite a nasty concussion but considering the fact that he was unrestrained in a trunk he had a guardian angel watching over him. We’re going to move him to an actual room so that he can recoup for a few days. His room is going to be on the 4th floor number 408. Are you staying here with him or meeting him up there?”

“No I’ll stay with him. I don’t want him to be alone … I don’t want him to wake up and be scared again. He doesn’t deserve that …” The doctor nodded and left the room as I gently lifted Sauli’s good arm rubbing my cheek against the back of it. His skin was so rough and scratchy. Not smooth like it always had been. His body had been thru such hell I couldn’t even imagine.

They transferred Sauli over to the new room about a half hour later and I stayed right by his side. I was so exhausted that after he was settled, I pulled the chair against the bed ending up falling into a deep sleep my head leaning on the bed. I was woken up to Sauli’s hand running thru my hair. Slowly I lifted my head and smiled at him tears making their way down my cheeks.

“Hi Addy.”

“I’m so glad you’re safe. I’ll never let anybody hurt you again. How are you feeling?” My eyes widened in alarm and I could see on his face how much he was hurting … my poor baby.

“I’m just … so weak, and my arm … hurts.”

“Well Dr. Lambert is going to take good care of you ok? My baby won’t have to do anything.” He smiled

and puckered his lips for me to kiss them. As I did he slid his tongue into my mouth. I allowed it for a few minutes but then pulled away. “My dirty boy …” I teased running my fingers tenderly thru his hair.

A few minutes later the nurse walked in the room and I could see every muscle on Sauli’s body tighten up. He slid toward me for protection his whole body shaking uncontrollably.

“It’s ok, she just has to run some blood work. She won’t hurt you … it’s ok Sauli.” My tone was soft and reassuring and I gently rubbed his back rhythmically while she took the blood she needed. After she left he just curled into my arms sobbing.


	8. I Know Them Right

** Sauli **

The smell of breakfast invaded my nostrils and I smiled sleepily as Adam brought the breakfast tray into the bedroom.

“Good morning sunshine.” The sunlight bounced off Adam’s face his hair still damp and hanging in his face from his morning shower.

“Morning Addy.”

“How is your head feeling?”

“A little better … it doesn’t hurt quite as much.” Since I came home I had a splitting headache most days. The first few were almost unbearable but Adam had called the hospital and got me some kind of pain pill which had helped A LOT.  

“Feel like heading out in the living room after breakfast? Someone special came to see you.”

“I know them right?!?” I panicked for a moment until Adam gently rubbed my arm. I was VERY jumpy with strangers and didn’t want them to get close to me. It’s awful feeling as though everyone is out to hurt you.

“I wouldn’t do that to you baby. Yes you know them very well. Now open I need to fatten you up.” I giggled as he started shoveling mouthfuls of eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes and toast into my mouth. I loved when he babied me … it made me feel like the most special person in the world.

After I finished he gently cradled me in his arms and carried me out into the living room while I nuzzled up against his chest lovingly. As we got into the living room I noticed someone sitting on the couch. She turned and I got a huge smile on my face.

“Katri!?!”

“I’m so happy you’re safe Sauli. I’ve been so worried for you.”

Adam sat down next to Katri bringing me down on his lap. She just wrapped her arms around me and I did the same in turn. We all sat and talked until Adam’s phone rang. He left the room and a few minutes later walked back in.

“Sauli do you feel up to everyone coming over for a welcome home party tonight? It would be all people you know Tommy, Brian, Terrance, Ashley, Scarlett, Lee, Riff, and Carmit?”

“Yeah that’s … ok. Will you stay Katri?”

“Of course I’m here all week.”

Adam told whoever was on the phone that it was ok and then walked back over scooping me back up and snuggling me close.

“Addy …”

He looked me deep in the eyes rubbing my cheek. He was perfect. “What baby?”

“Nothing … I just love you is all.”

We sat there and about 2 hours later the doorbell rang. Adam got up and opened the door to let Tommy Brian, Terrance, and Ashley in. They all came over to give me hugs and Ashley kissed both cheeks.

“I’m so happy that you’re safe. We’ve missed you so much.” She smiled gently pulling me into a hug and holding on for at least a good minute before letting go. She had always been such a sweet soul.

Everyone was sitting playing Uno while I curled up on Adam’s lap. The doorbell rang again and Katri offered to get it for us. A few moments later she returned into the room followed by Scarlett, Riff, Carmit, and two people I didn’t know. I immediately tensed up and buried myself in Adam’s arms clinging to him and shaking.

“Baby it’s ok … it’s ok everything will be ok. You don’t have to be scared shh.”

Scarlett and Carmit looked at me as though I had 4 heads completely shocked and confused by my behavior. Adam just rubbed circles on my back as I started to cry. He carried me into the bedroom and sat me down on the bed to calm down.

“I’m sorry Addy …” Tears streamed down my face and Adam looked at me with broken eyes trying to wipe them away.

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about baby. I’m the one who should be sorry … I didn’t know they were bringing other people with them. I shouldn’t have agreed to this party … it’s too soon for you.”

“I’m just going to stay in here. I don’t feel comfortable out there.”

“I can get everyone to leave if you want?” He paused and I looked him in the eyes to see if he was being serious or not. When I saw that he was I gave him a tiny smile patting his arm. It meant a great deal to me that he would do that for me and me alone.

“No … no Addy that’s ok. You go have some fun, you deserve to have some fun.”

He gave me a sad smile and I snuggled up on the bed trying to get my heart rate to return to normal.


	9. He Just Wants To Be Alone

** Adam **

I took one look back at Sauli and sadly walked back into the living room … my poor baby. He was always such a social butterfly the first one to get to a party and the last to leave. Now there he was holed up in our bedroom alone and scared. Scarlett and Carmit were standing there with super confused looks on their faces.

“Did we do something wrong?” Scarlett questioned glancing down the hallway at the half closed bedroom door over my shoulder.

“Sauli doesn’t like being around strangers right now … he can’t handle it. They said it’s due to the trauma he’s gone thru.”

“I’m so sorry Adam I didn’t know. These are my cousins they are visiting … I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“It’s ok … Sauli is just going to stay in there. He just wants to be alone.”

I sat down on the couch and Riff walked over and gave me a huge smile.

“Hi Adam.”

“Hey buddy. You’re getting SO big.”

“Where’s Sawlee?”

“Lying down … he doesn’t feel good.”

“Can I go see him?” He questioned staring at me intently with his big brown eyes focused on my face. He was always SOO close with Sauli before everything happened and had constantly asked me where he was while he was in that horrible place. He missed his Sawlee something terrible and to not let him see him now that he finally had the chance wouldn’t be fair.

“Yes … come on we’ll go see him. You just have to be quiet ok?”

He nodded and grabbed for my hand so we could walk to the bedroom. Sauli had his head buried in his pillow and he was sobbing. It felt as though my heart broke in two.

“Sauli …”

He wiped his eyes and looked over seeing that I had Riff with me. Riff was such a rambunctious little man but he surprised me and slowly walked over toward Sauli.

“Hey buddy … I haven’t seen you in so long come here.”

Sauli reached down with his good arm and brought Riff up on the bed with him. He snuggled up on Sauli’s lap and gently patted his shoulder.

“Don’t be sad Sawlee … everything will be ok. Will you play a game with me?” I could see hesitation in Sauli’s eyes seeing as though all the games were out in the living room. He didn’t want to have to go back in there … and I could see the fear in his eyes.

“I’ll bring a game in here just for the both of you. How about that?”

Riff nodded in agreement and I went and grabbed Candyland for them. They stayed in there playing round after round until everyone other than Katri left almost 2 hours later. When I finished saying goodbye to everyone I noticed that Katri wasn’t in the living room anymore. I walked into the bedroom and she was sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing Sauli’s back as he laid there on his stomach completely numb to everything. Katri got up and gave me a hug before leaving for the guest room. I sat down next to Sauli and started massaging his back. He groaned in enjoyment arching his neck to the side as I started kissing and nipping at it.  

“Like baby?” I teased taking a bit of flesh lightly in my teeth.

“It feels … so good.”

“You feel up to … something more?” He smirked back at me and nodded. Giggling I kissed his ear lightly peppering it.

“You have to be quiet though baby. You think you can do that?” I reached down his pants and slid a finger over his hole which made him gasp out. Slowly, I slid his pants off him and cupped his ass cheeks placing kisses all over them. “I missed this so fucking much.”

I gently massaged this cheeks and he moaned silently his face pressed into his pillow. I slid off my jeans and quickly lubed myself up slowly pressing myself into him. Soon my hormones took over and I had him pressed into the mattress slamming him with everything I had. I came hard and slowly turned him over to finish him off. It was then I realized that he was sobbing and as soon as he was on his back he crouched together closing his arms tightly across his chest.

“Sauli … what’s wrong?!?” He slinked away from me holding his knees, pressed up against the headboard. I was so scared … I didn’t know what had happened. I reached up to gently caress his cheek and he brushed my hand away tears still streaming down his face. “Baby … please, tell me what’s wrong?”

“When you pushed me down … it reminded me of her … raping me.” His strangled cry broke my heart into a million pieces. How could I be so careless?

“I’m so sorry … please forgive me. I didn’t realize Sauli … I’m so sorry.”

He slowly opened his arms and slid over as he snuggled into my arms. I gently put them around him placing butterfly kisses on his face and neck.

“I forgive you baby … I know you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry I freaked out … you didn’t deserve that. You didn’t know.”

“If anything makes you uncomfortable let me know ok? We’ll take it easy … I won’t force you to do anything unless you’re ready. I love you Sauli and I’m just so glad I have you in my arms again. I thought I lost you.”


	10. Make A Wish

** Sauli **

Adam stood in front of me wearing leather pants, a white shirt with black writing on it, leather jacket, and his Rick Owens medges. I smiled at him and he returned it but then gave me a hesitant frown. I gently reached out and rubbed his arm.

“Baby are you sure?”

“Yes I’m positive go have fun with your friends. Then tomorrow we can celebrate your birthday here at home. I hear that sex makes a hangover go away faster.” I smirked at him as he giggled and reached down wrapping his arms around me.

He had fought with me for the last week about going to this party that his friends were throwing at some club called Bootsy Bellows. He wanted to go celebrate his birthday but he certainly didn’t want to leave me alone. I had gotten A LOT better though since I started taking Valium for my anxiety. I had even been out with him a few times without much issue. I just didn’t like if strangers crowded around me. Even then I usually wouldn’t completely freak I would just get a little anxious. If I was home by myself I did ok as long as I knew I could get a hold of someone if I needed them. He pulled me up and wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m going to miss you. It’s not a birthday party without my baby. I would much rather just stay here with you.” He pouted holding me against his chest not wanting to let go. I pulled away looking him right in his eyes.

“Addy … you’re going to be spending your whole birthday tomorrow with me. I’ll be ok I promise. I’m sure they have a nice birthday lap dance on tap for you.”

His eyes grew big and questioning. “You’re ok with that?”

“Of course because I know no matter what it’s me you’re coming home to at the end of the night. Don’t get into any trouble though …”

“Me … trouble?” He smirked and I kissed his nose. I then gently patted his ass pushing him toward the door.

“Go on now … go you’re going to be late. I love you Adam … I love you SO much.”

“And I love you Sauli. Don’t worry I’ll keep my phone on so call if you need me and I’ll be home no later than 3am.”

“I’ll be waiting to snuggle up with my drunk baby.”

With one final kiss he closed the door behind him and drove over to the club. I had been debating whether or not I felt up to going to the party or not. Adam hadn’t even asked me knowing I wouldn’t be comfortable in that situation but a part of me didn’t want to miss his birthday party. I had called one of his friends who was throwing the party and he came up with the idea of sneaking me in the back and putting a blindfold on Adam, having me give him a lap dance. I figured if I was having a really hard time I could always just call a cab. I put on my fitted black tee and dark wash skinny jeans, topping them off with my combat boots and leather jacket. Tommy had offered to pick me up and he texted me to let me know that he was there. I popped another valium to keep myself calmer and jumped in Tommy’s car. Tommy dropped me off around back and I hid out in a backroom for about an hour until they came back with a whip. About 10 minutes before I was going to go out, Tommy walked back to keep me company for a few minutes until it was time.

“He having fun?” Tommy shrugged his shoulders and I frowned.

“All he keeps saying is “ _I should call Sauli and see how he’s doing”_.” I let out a sigh and shook my head. I just wish for once he could do his own thing and not be constantly focused on me.

“I told him not to worry.”

“Well you know that’s what Adam is best at.”

Suddenly ‘Circus’ started playing and that was my cue. I walked out and was immediately hit with the mass amount of people I had to walk thru to get to Adam. Taking a deep breath I carefully walked over to where he was sitting with an amused expression on his face. Immediately I started giving him the best lap dance he had ever had complete with whacks of the whip. I pulled him up so he was standing and started grinding up against him. I could feel his breath deepening and I could tell just how much he was enjoying this. I decided just like the song says I was going to give everyone a show. I quickly dipped down and in one move brought my hands behind him cupping his ass cheeks while I slowly grinded up and down his body. I could feel his hard on and saw how hard he was biting his lip. As the song ended I gently pushed him back on the couch and straddled his lap one knee on either side. He lifted his arm up and I gently put my hand on his pulling it back down before gently removing his blindfold. He got THE most excited smile on his face and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

“Baby you didn’t have to come … thank you.”

“For what, showing up or for getting you all horny?” He giggled and nuzzled his face into my neck. I cuddled up against him and kissed his lips before standing up. He looked up at me and frowned.

“Why’d you get up?”

“It’s your birthday party Adam. I’m not going to have you spend it cuddling with me the whole time.”

“But what if that’s what I want …” He pouted and I sighed at him gently kissing his forehead.

“I’ll be over here alright? Go spend some time with your friends. Have a drink for me.”

“You can’t have anything?”

“No … I just took an extra valium before coming here.”

“Awe baby if you were that anxious you didn’t have to do that.”

“No, but I wanted to. I knew how much my being here meant to you. I wasn’t about to miss your party.”

I sat back down on the couch as one of Adam’s friends walked over and pulled him back down into the throng of people. He looked back over at me with a sad face as they pulled him toward the bar. He sat over there doing a couple shots with his friends but I could tell he was stressed out. I slowly got up and made my way over there. Walking up behind him I started massaging his shoulders. He tensed for a moment not realizing it was me but then he leaned back and gave me a kiss. I sat on his lap as people crowded around us. He could tell it freaked me out and he grasped my hand tightly as I took deep breaths. As I sat there he reached up and started kissing at my ear. I could tell that he was a little bit buzzed and I leaned back giggling.

“Somebody is a wee bit drunk.” He gently turned me so I was facing him and wrapped his arms around me protectively still kissing at my ear. He knew that drove me crazy. “Baby stop …”

Suddenly everyone crowded tightly around as they pulled Adam and therefore me up leading us toward the couch. I got very anxious as everyone pressed close around us. Adam got ahead of me and the crowd tightened separating us and surrounding me. I crouched down and tightened my arms around my body as I started gasping for breath having the worst panic attack in MONTHS. Suddenly I noticed the music stopped and Adam calling my name. The crowd parted and Adam walked over to me rubbing my back in circles to try and bring me back and ground me.  

“It’s ok … it’s ok I’m here Sauli … I’m here. Everything is ok … you’re ok.” He gently lifted me up wrapping his arms tightly around me to calm me down as he walked us over to the couch. “Breathe baby … just take deep breaths. You’re safe … you’re ok.”

He gently rubbed my back soothingly and I finally calmed myself down. I felt so weak and tired … these attacks always took so much out of me. I just put my head on his shoulder zapped of energy. Adam frowned at me and gently stroked my cheek.

“You want me to take you home?”

“No … I’ll be ok.” I whispered finally starting to feel back to normal again. Thank god I had him here with me I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself out of it without him.

“Are you sure baby?”

“Yes … I’m sure.” They brought over a cake and everyone sang happy birthday to him. I purposely sang silly off key which made him giggle. Then I reached up smearing a bit of the icing on his nose. “Make a wish babe.”

He looked at me and smiled before he blew them. He pulled me on his lap facing me and as they started the music again he slid his hands behind me cupping my ass cheeks. I smirked at the gesture and gently grinded on him … just enough to drive him crazy. Then I just rested my head gently on his chest and let out a relaxed sigh.

“You really haven’t had much to drink tonight.”

“Don’t feel like it.” He murmured his breath brushing my cheek.

“You want me to go get you something to drink?” I shifted to go to get up and he gently grabbed my arm halting the movement.

“No baby that’s ok … I want to dance with you though. We could dance up here instead of over where everyone is.”

“I’ll be ok to go over there … as long as you’re right there.”

I got up and gently pulled him up after me. I walked out on the dance floor and we danced with all his friends and I was having a great time. They brought a round of birthday shots over at midnight and I figured it had been long enough since I took the Valium that I could do one. I clinked glasses with Adam and a couple of his friends and I downed it. Adam was getting into the party now that I was and had partaken in quite a few more drinks. It was getting late and everyone was starting to leave. We ended up just hanging around with a few close friends of his that decided to stay. I curled up on his lap and kissed at his neck moving up to his ear before whispering into it.

“I can’t wait until we get home … going to give you a good birthday massage. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”

“Yes …” His breath was slurred a bit from the alcohol, his breath peppering the air with the pungent smell of tequila.

He let out a huge yawn and slowly got up holding me almost dropping me. Quickly I got down and gently linked arms with him as he stumbled around a bit. When we got to his car I grabbed the car keys from his hand and opened the passenger door.

“I can … drive.” He protested grabbing wildly at the keys clenched in my palm. I shook my head pointing at the open door.

“Oh no you can’t … passenger seat, now.”

He pouted and got in the passenger seat as I drove us home. I wasn’t the greatest driver in the world but I knew what I was doing and it was late so there wasn’t the normal insane number of cars on the roadway. When we got to the house I grabbed his arm and we walked in. I sat him down on the bed and went to go get the massage oil. When I walked back in the room Adam was naked and passed out on top of the covers. I gently pulled them out from underneath him and covered up the both of us with them. The massage could wait, he looked far too precious sleeping.


	11. Love Me ...

** Adam **

I woke up and reached over to pull Sauli close but my arms grabbed nothing but emptiness. I scrunched up my face and opened my eyes. The thought of ‘ _wow the room isn’t spinning’_ was stopped quickly because as soon as I went to sit up it started. I grunted and laid back down covering my head with a pillow. Just as I was about to call for him I heard footsteps enter the room. He giggled and walked over setting a tray on the bedside table. I felt him lay down on top of me and he slowly removed the pillow that was on my head. I was about to complain but he gently started rubbing my temples which felt like pure heaven.

“That feels amazing babe.”

“It’s the least I can do for my baby on his birthday. How are you feeling?”

“Ok if I don’t move from this position. I tried to sit up and it felt like I was on a tilt-a-whirl.” I grunted wondering why in the hell I drank so much … AGAIN.

“I made you Sauli’s Super Hangover Special. Think you can try to sit and eat? Take these first though.”

He handed me two Tylenol and a glass of orange juice. I carefully swallowed the pills and chugged down the orange juice. After a few minutes I slowly sat up and the room started spinning yet again. Sauli sat on my lap and rubbed my temples as I kept my eyes clenched shut trying to stop the motion. After a few minutes the feeling subsided a bit and Sauli started feeding me my breakfast. I loved when he babied me like this, it made me feel special … wanted. Afterward I laid back down as he curled up on my chest.

“You want your massage?”

“What massage?” I questioned totally not remembering anything being said about a massage … not that I could remember anyway. Sauli giggled and kissed at my forehead.

“The one I promised I would give you when we got home last night. You passed out before I could. So … do you want it now?”

“That would be lovely baby.”

He reached over and retrieved a small bottle of massage oil and gave me a head to toe massage. It felt amazing and it relaxed me so much I almost fell back asleep. I say almost because just as I was going to my phone rang and vibrated right off the edge of the nightstand. Sauli reached down and handed it to me so I didn’t have to move … what a doll. I wasn’t going to answer but I realized that it was Dana my manager.

_“Hello?”_

_“Hey Adam. Happy Birthday.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“Are you busy today?”_

Really he did NOT just ask me that? Did he mean other than birthday sex? _“Yeah kind of … why?”_

_“I was wondering if I could stop by for a half hour or so. I have to talk to you.”_

_“I guess … when?”_

_“I was thinking 1pm … that good for you?”_

I looked over at the clock and saw that it was 12pm. I sighed and begrudgingly agreed.

_“Yeah that’ll be fine. See you then.”_

Sauli was straddling my waist and delivering licks and tender kisses to my chest. I went to move him and he took hold of my flaccid member giving it a spine-tingling yank. I yelped out as Sauli gave me a devilish look. 

“I have to go get a shower … Dana is coming over at 1pm for a … meeting.”

“There’s plenty of time …” He dragged his tongue straight from my belly button down to the tip of my leaking dick.

“Sauli no I …” Before I could protest more he took me in his mouth and looked up at me batting his eyelashes … god he was such a fucking tease. He swallowed my length and started slowly pulling back swirling his tongue around the tip knowing full well that drove me crazy. It only took a few minutes for me to be at the edge. I was about ready to blow when Sauli grabbed the base so I couldn’t cum. “Ughh … Sauli … please. Fuck!” He ignored my pleading and instead started licking at my balls. I whimpered and finally he let go and sucked me dry. He lovingly slid up my chest and rubbed my cheek with his thumb.

“I love you Adam.” He mumbled grinning like the Cheshire cat. What a little firecracker.

“You’re so fucking lucky you’re adorable and I love you. You’re a fucking little tease who doesn’t listen. I have to take a shower it’s already 12:20pm. Be good … and don’t give me anymore distractions.” Sauli flopped off of me and laid down on the bed a glow on his face. I quickly went to take a shower and once I was done, walked back in the bedroom with the towel around my waist to get dressed. “You’re being awfully quiet in here what are you up … to.”

There was Sauli spread on the bed his hard on in one hand lazily pumping it. He gave me a puppy dog face and I ignored his attempt for attention.

“Sauli I told you I don’t have time for distractions. You chose to get yourself excited don’t expect me to take care of it for you.” He swiped his thumb over the tip and let out a slight moan. God the little fucker knew that it drove me crazy when he moaned. I walked into the closet and started looking for a pair of sweatpants. I certainly wasn’t going to get all dressed up for just Dana. I was digging thru piles of clothes when I heard a primal guttural growl coming from the bedroom. I thought I was hearing things but it continued. I sighed and yelled out to him. “It’s not gonna work babe Dana will be here in 15 minutes.”

I finally found my sweats and slipped them on choosing a t-shirt at random to accompany them. I walked into the bedroom and my mouth dropped. There was Sauli on the floor slowly sliding up and down on a giant dildo that was a gift from my fans. It was yellow and black striped so they just HAD to buy it for me. Sauli had laughed and we put it in the side table seeing as it was even bigger than I was. There was no way I was shoving that thing anywhere. Sauli saw I was in the room and looked at me with a pained expression, moans trickling out as it stretched him wide again. I felt my cock twitching in my pants and groaned. I walked over and gently pulled him up placing him on the bed. I knew he was going to continue unless I finished him off like he wanted. It didn’t take long at all before he came hard in my mouth his cum dribbling down my chin as he pulled out. He smirked and licked it away.

“Sauli what am I going to do with you?” I sighed gently grabbing at his face in frustration.

“Love me …” His voice came out so quiet knowing full well to back down and not push his luck. One look at those baby blues and I couldn’t dare be mad at him. There was a knock at the door and I sighed and gently caressed his face kissing his forehead.

“That must be Dana. As soon as he leaves I’ll come back in here so I can spend the rest of the day with my baby ok?

“I’m looking forward to it.”

I walked into the living room and opened up the door. Sure enough standing there was Dana. He could tell by my wardrobe and my semi hard cock, that at that point I really didn’t give two shits about hiding, I really wasn’t up for company.

“Sorry for interrupting.” He smirked and stepped inside the doorway.

“It’s alright … What did you need to talk about?”

Dana sat down on the leather sofa that lined the wall and I sat on the chair cattycorner to it looking at him with a mix of impatience and curiosity.

He sighed bringing his hand to his chin and scratching it. “The fans are getting anxious Adam …”

“What do you mean?”

“They stuck by your side the whole year you took off trying to find Sauli. They stuck by your side for the 6 months after that it took for Trespassing to be released. It’s been 5 months Adam … you need to do some promo for it. Or all that work isn’t going to amount to anything. You’re going to lose it all … lose them all.”

The words stung but they couldn’t be true. “My glamberts wouldn’t leave me. They have my back …”

“You have to wake up and see the big picture Adam. They are slowly losing faith in you. Would you want to be a fan of someone who never does any concerts or appearances?”

“I can’t Dana … I don’t want to leave Sauli here alone. He … needs me, and I need him.”

“Your FANS need you … and you need them if you want to continue with this lifestyle. Here I printed out tweets from the last few days. If you don’t believe me have a look for yourself.” I had always been on twitter ALL the time but lately I had been spending most of my time with Sauli and only getting on every couple of days or so. I took the paper in my hands and examined it reading them. They were all forms of saying they were getting fed up with my absence. They still would support me thru anything but they missed me. Truth be told I really missed the fans as well. They always had my back and I loved knowing I always had a support system in place. I felt a tear run down my cheek and quickly wiped it away. “I have a bunch of venues who are already interested. I can book a mini tour at any time just give me the word.”

I bit my lip in frustration knowing this was a hard but necessary choice to make. “A small one … I’ll make it work somehow.”

“Ok … I’ll leave so you can enjoy the rest of your birthday. Have a good one Adam.” He walked over and gave me a hug before leaving. I sighed and trudged into the bedroom. Sauli was sitting on the edge of the bed in his sweats with a look of sadness on his face.

“Baby what’s wrong?!?”

“It’s all my fault … your fans they mean the world to you.” Tears spilled down his face leaving wet streaks on his cheeks. Immediately I sat down pulling him on my lap. I looked him in the eyes as I gently wiped his cheeks.

“No … YOU mean the world to me baby.”

“I can go with right?” He shocked me for a moment from asking I would’ve never guess he would want to come.

“Of course you can. Are you sure you feel up to that?”

“Yeah … I can do it.” He mumbled still looking so sad … he was breaking my heart.

“Something else is bothering you baby I can feel it.”

“I’m sorry that I made you choose me over your career.”

“You mean everything to me. I would GIVE UP my career for you. You are my world Sauli.” I gently laid him back on the bed and got on top of him. He smiled sweetly and looked up at me with loving eyes. “I adore you babe … but I think you need to be punished for what you did earlier. Don’t you?

“You do … do you?” The smile he had on his face turned to a seductive smirk as he bit at his lip.

 “Most definitely … turn over.” He looked back at me questioningly but did as I asked. I got up and retrieved an old beat up belt from my closet before walking back over to where he was. His eyes got huge but he didn’t curl up in fear. I gently dragged the cool leather across his bare ass cheeks as he shuddered. “What’s your safe word?”

“I … I don’t know.”

“How about Finland?”

He nodded letting out a light moan as I brushed the leather over his bare flesh again. I grabbed some baby oil and spread it on his cheeks before folding the belt over and giving a slight smack. Sauli grunted and wiggled around until I stopped the movement with my arm.

“Stop your wiggling that was just a test shot.” I started giving him harder more steady whacks and he kept groaning and wiggling. After one particularly hard one he yelped and flung his arms backward to protect his reddening ass. “No baby you mustn’t touch. I’ll make a deal with you. I get 5 good smacks but you have to count them out. If you miss counting or take too long I get to redo that one … deal?”

“Okay ….” I pulled back the belt and it made a loud whapping noise as I started to hit the skin. “Aughh fucking dammit oneee …. twoo ... three .... ahhh dammit … four,” I pulled the belt back and really let him have it for the last one. “Errrfuckkk … five.”

He immediately swung his hands back protecting his ass. I reached on the side of the bed and pulled up a small bottle of aloe vera. Then I went into the bathroom and got a cold wet washcloth. I gently grabbed at his hands and tried to move them away but he resisted.

“It’s ok Sauli … I’m not going to smack you anymore. Your poor ass has been thru enough today. Your Addy is going to make it all better … trust me.” He slowly moved his hands and I gently placed the washcloth on his red hot skin. I tenderly wiped the skin clean and then applied the aloe to soothe it. I tenderly massaged it in and then gently lied down next to him pulling him on my chest. He was being really quiet so I lifted up his face. “You ok?”

“Yeah … that was crazy. But I kind of liked it.”

“Always been one of my fantasies. Thank you.”

“Anything for you … but don’t think you’re getting that all the time. It fucking hurts.”


	12. This Is My Favorite Place

** Sauli **

I had been touring with Adam for a couple weeks and truth be told I was having an awful time. The way the fans crowded around us screaming, grabbing at any part of us they could reach with their cameras flashing freaked me out. I didn’t let Adam know though and I got REALLY good at pretending everything was ok. He was hardly even around I’d only get to see him maybe 3 hours a day and he was always so tired and wore out. He didn’t need my problems on top of everything else. We had just flown into Dallas and Adam was still waking up from his inflight nap. We got outside and it was wall-to-wall fans. Adam was surrounded by his manager and one of the airport big shots but they didn’t really care about my safety. I hurriedly followed right behind them as I nearly got pulled into the crowd at least a dozen times. I felt like I was going to throw up but I just stayed quiet in the car. Adam was too busy doing a phone interview with a radio station to notice that something was wrong. As soon as we got to the hotel I darted out of the car and took off for the nearest bathroom. I ran inside and started dry heaving over the toilet as my whole body started to shake. Tears streamed down my cheeks, weeks’ worth of bottled up emotions coming to the surface. I could hear the bathroom door swing open and soon I could see Adam’s medges beneath the bathroom stall. I quickly tried to stop my crying and compose myself.

“Baby are you ok?” His voice sounded frantically worried … I hated making him worry.

“Yeah Adam I’m fine. I’ll be out in a few minutes. Just head up to the room and I’ll be up then …” I don’t know why I bothered telling him to leave because I knew he wouldn’t. I knew my eyeliner had to be messed up but I lacked a mirror to fix it so I slowly walked out of the stall with my head down. Adam saw the state I was in and just put his arms around me. “I can’t do this Addy … I thought I could but I can’t. I can’t … do it. The crowding I … I tried to be strong for you but I’ve had to take … more Valium and it’s making me sick.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. God I’m such an awful boyfriend.”

My head shot up and I put my finger up scolding him. He jumped a bit from being startled he wasn’t used to me doing that. “No! No you’re not … you’re the most perfect boyfriend ever.”

“Is it just the crowding and grabbing?”

“Yeah … they keep trying to pull me in the crowd.”

“I could make them stop … get them to ban them from being close at the airports. Would that help?” I nodded and he pulled me into a hug holding me tightly. “I’ll fix this ok? Come on lets go up to the room it’s late and I have to get up at 7am for a radio show.”

We got up to the room and I went to wash my face and get changed into sweats. When I walked back in the room Adam was on twitter tweeting out messages to the fans to stop all the crowding and grabbing. That if it didn’t stop that he wouldn’t come out to sign anything ever. He also said that he didn’t want people at the airports or hotels. He finished up and put the phone on silent and placed it on the nightstand. With one look at me he opened his arms and I snuggled myself into them.

“You know … this here is my favorite place in the world.”

“Dallas?”

“No Addy … your arms. When I’m in them I know that nothing and no one can hurt me. You sleep baby … you’re exhausted.”

“No I can force myself to stay up.”

“No you don’t have to … you need your rest.”

I gently patted the side of his face and after running my fingers thru his hair he was out in 2 minutes flat. I cuddled into the warmth of his body and I too drifted off to sleep. The alarm woke up me up and I gently rolled off of Adam’s chest allowing him to get up. He reached over and gave me a soft kiss on the lips before heading into the bathroom to take a shower. Today was our anniversary but he hadn’t said anything and I didn’t want to say anything and make him feel bad. Or spoil anything if he had planned a surprise. He had enough on his plate I’d complete understand if he had forgotten. I had made him an anniversary card and while he was in the shower I placed it in his messenger bag so I’d be sure he’d see it. After he finished he was in the bathroom fixing his hair so I walked in wrapping my arms around him from behind.

“What time do you have to leave?”                                                                                                    

“The car is picking me up at 8:45am.”

I started massaging his neck and he gave me a happy grin. “Is it an all-day thing?”

“Afraid so … radio interview, meet and greet, magazine photo shoot/interview, sound check, and then the concert tonight.”

“Oh …” I dropped my hands from his neck and he looked back at me with a sad face.

“I’m sorry Sauli …”

“No there’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I knew what I was signing myself up to when we started going out. You tried to warn me. I guess I just got spoiled from all those months you spent with me … I miss it so.”

“I know baby … I miss it too. Let me get dressed and then we can cuddle for a while until I have to leave.” I walked into the bedroom and a few minutes later he walked in completely dressed. He sat on the couch by the TV and snuggled me close on his lap. If this was to be my only anniversary present I definitely wouldn’t complain. It was soon time for him to leave and I gave him a hug and a sad smile. “I’ll be back right after the show ok? I promise.”

He kissed my forehead and closed the heavy metal door behind him.


	13. What Is Today

** Adam **

I sat in the car on the way to the radio station with my head leaning up against the window. Sauli seemed so off this morning and I didn’t know why. He seemed almost hurt that I wouldn’t be back all day. When we got to the radio station I first had an interview with the DJ where they asked me the same questions I got in every flipping city. There were many times I thought I should just tape record myself answering the questions and then I wouldn’t even have to go in. Then it was time for my favorite part of these radio visits … meeting with the fans. The first one walked up and kept a bit of distance between us even when I extended my hand in greeting. She shook my hand and hesitantly walked closer.

“Don’t be nervous come here let me get a hug.”

“We can still get hugs?” Her tone was cold and questioning and it stunned me for a moment.

“Of course you can sweetheart. Why would you think you couldn’t?”

“Well your tweets last night … you made it seem like you don’t want us around anymore.”

“No of course I want you around and to meet all of you. It just makes Sauli uncomfortable when everyone crowds around and grabs at us. He’s having a real hard time with it.”

“Is he here?”

“No he’s back at the hotel.”

“Oh I thought he’d be spending the day with you.”

I was going to ask why she thought he would be here but Dana said it was time for a picture and I didn’t have time. They rushed thru the rest of the fans and practically threw me back in the car so I could make it to the photo shoot. On the way there I reached into my messenger bag for my schedule and saw an envelope there addressed to me in Sauli’s handwriting. I pulled it out and curiously opened it. It was a blank card and he had written ‘Addy’ in fancy script and surrounded it with drawings of roses and replicas of the blue birds on his chest. I smiled at it and gently rubbed over the drawings with my fingertips. Why was he giving me this? I slowly opened it and started reading what was inside

_Adam,_

_I could not be more blessed to have you in my life. You are my world Adam Mitchel Lambert as I know I am yours. I never thought that I would find love … especially love as amazing as what we share. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face knowing that regardless of if you’re lying beside me that there is nothing that can or will break us apart. I love you with all my heart … Happy Anniversary Baby!_

_All my love,_

_Sauli_

I let out a sputtered gasp and dropped the card. How could I have forgotten our anniversary?!? Dana looked over at me and gave me a confused look.

“What’s wrong Adam?”

“What is today’s date?”

“November 6th … why?”

“Dammit! No, no this is bad very very bad. No wonder he wanted to know if I’d be gone all day. Shit …”

“What are you talking about?”

“Today is Sauli and my anniversary and I completely forgot like a total asshole.”

I grabbed my cell phone and pulled up an app for flower delivery. I figured this would at least semi make up for my bad boyfriend moment. I quickly ordered 2 dozen rainbow roses and had them be delivered to the front desk of the hotel for delivery to our room. We got to the studio where the photo shoot was to take place and I really wasn’t in the mood. I was half-assing everything and Dana was getting annoyed with me.

“Adam seriously can you TRY to cooperate!?! If you cooperate they’ll be enough time for you to go back to the hotel for a little while.”

My eyes grew big as soon as I heard the word hotel. “Really?”

“Yes … it’s only 11am right now and sound check isn’t until 4:30pm.”

I quickly changed my tune and listened to everything they were telling me. When we finished it was about 12:15pm so Dana had the car drop me back at the hotel. I checked my messages and saw that the flower company had delivered the flowers to the front desk. When we got to the hotel I walked in and saw them sitting on the side. The clerk saw me looking and smiled at me.

“Can I help you Mr. Lambert?”

“Why weren’t those delivered to my room?”

“Oh there was a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door and no answer. Would you like to take them now?”

“Sure … thank you.”

I took them and walked up to our room. I thought Sauli might not answer the door, he usually didn’t if I wasn’t there. I opened the door and didn’t see him anywhere. I walked in and set the roses on the table. I noticed the bathroom light was on so I walked over and knocked on the door.

“Sauli?”

There was no answer so I opened the door. Sauli was lying on the floor vomit everywhere. I leaned down and felt his neck for a pulse as I dialed 911. They arrived and took him over to the hospital. He had accidentally overdosed on his valium due to the stress. They pumped him full of fluids and he woke up and vomited profusely into a bucket as I lovingly rubbed his back. He finished and I helped him get comfortable sitting up in bed again.

“Addy … it’s late … go. You have your … show. I’m ok …” His face was ghost white and clammy to the touch. He was so panicked I was going to be late.

“No you’re not … you need me and I haven’t been there. I’ve been an awful boyfriend. I forgot our anniversary.”

“You have so much on your mind … it’s ok.”

“I didn’t even notice how sick you’ve been. My poor baby …” I lovingly ran my hand thru his curls as he gave me a sad stare. “You have flowers waiting for you back at the hotel … happy anniversary Sauli. You are everything to me you know that right?”

“Yes … Addy please go to your show. I think they’re keeping me overnight anyway.”

“Are you sure? If you want me here just say the word.” He started crying and I took him in my arms making ‘shhh’ noises. I knew that this touring wasn’t going to work it was too much for him in this state. “You want me to stay … don’t you?”

“More than anything … but I can’t do that to you. Your fans need you … the band needs you it’s your job. It’s already 4pm … you have to go.”

“I’m going to have my cell phone with me on stage. You need me you call or face time me. If I have to step off stage for a few minutes then so be it. I love you … so much and if anything were to happen to you I …” Tears started making their way down my cheeks and he gently reached his hand up and wiped them away.

“I’m fine … I love you too.”

I gently took him in my arms holding him close before I gently let go and left for the venue. I didn’t end up getting to the venue until 5pm so I had to go straight from sound check into the meet and greet. Then straight from the meet and greet into wardrobe. I didn’t get a moment to check on Sauli but I knew if he needed me either he or the hospital would call. The concert ended and I walked outside to get the car to take me to the hospital. Once I got out of the building my phone started madly buzzing. I pulled it out and noticed that there were 15 missed calls from the hospital. My heart started thumping against my chest and I shakily called the number back. I was told the absolutely devastating news that Sauli’s organs were failing and he was in a coma. They raced me to the hospital and I sped into ICU and saw my precious baby hooked up to at least a dozen machines. He looked so frail and delicate. I immediately sat next to him and took his free hand rubbing it.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here … please forgive me baby. I’m here … I’m here now.”

I went on twitter to post a message asking for light and love to be sent to him but then I saw them. All the messages wishing him to die because they felt he was taking me away from them. My blood started boiling and I went off on twitter telling them they were horrible people and now my baby was dying in a hospital bed. That the way they were acting was driving me away even more. How could my girls … the ones who I leaned on and who had my back be so hateful?!? Dana walked in the room and upon seeing Sauli his mouth dropped. He walked over and gave me a hug allowing me to cry on his shoulder.

“What happened?!?”

“His organs started shutting down … they tried to call … I didn’t have service.” I felt like my chest was going to explode as I choked out the words.

“Ok let me take care of cancelling the shows for the rest of the week for now. Do you need me to post something for you on twitter?”

“No … I was already on there … reading the AWFUL things they are saying about him. Wishing that he would die … I told them they were horrible and that because of their hate he’s dying in a hospital bed. I don’t care if they don’t want anything to do with me now. He’s all that matters to … me. I don’t … care anymore.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“My sunshine back … that’s all I want.”

It was the worst week of my life. I didn’t move from his hospital bedside only eating whatever Dana would bring in for me. His counts started to get a LOT better but he showed no signs of coming out of the coma. I was curled up sleeping when I heard gasping coming from the bed. I shot up and realized that he was awake and trying to breathe on his own. I screamed for help and soon they came in and removed the breathing tube. They started their neurologic testing and he was able to follow all their commands. After taking some blood work to test his levels again they left letting him relax for awhile. I walked over to the bed and smiled at him as I ran my fingers lovingly thru his hair.

“Hey baby.”

“Addy …” His voice was barely a whisper but I didn’t care. My baby was alive and he was going to be ok.

“You had me so scared … I thought I was going to lose you.”

“I … love … you.”

“And I love you too. Sleep baby, I’m right here.”

I leaned down and gently kissed his forehead. It took another 3 weeks but he was released under orders to not be under ANY stress. So we made the difficult decision for him to go back to Finland. Having him alive and well was more important to me than having him by my side. He was still so weak and frail … I hated him being there without me even though I knew he’d have lots of family doting on him hand and foot. I took him to the airport and wrapped my arms around him as gently as possible.

“I’m going to miss you Sauli … so very much. I love you don’t you ever forget that.”

“Addy how could I ever forget … you are my world. I love you so much.” His eyes were wet with tears but this had to happen, it was the only way.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a steampunk locket. He took it from me and opened it up. Inside was a picture of the both of us with HUGE smiles on our faces, him curled up on my lap. A tear ran down his face and I kissed it away. I gently took the locket from his hand and clasped it around his neck. Then I reached under my shirt to show him I had a matching one.

“This way you’ll always be close to my heart.” I murmured my face buried in his hair trying to engrain his scent in my nose so I’d never forget it.  

“And you to mine.” The announcement for boarding boomed over the loudspeaker and he gave me one

last hug. “You’re coming to visit for Christmas right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world … I’ll be there in 10 days. I just have some stuff to finish up here first.”

I gave him a kiss and he walked over to the gate to board. He handed the girl his ticket and turned around waving and blowing me a kiss. I watched him until he disappeared and then sadly made my way out of the airport.


	14. We Need To Talk

** Sauli **

I loved being in Finland. My stress was gone and I even was able to stop taking my valium. I felt so much at peace and slowly started to regain my strength. My mom and sisters waited on me hand and foot since some days I was hardly able to get out of bed without help. Before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Katri had gone to pick up Adam at the airport. Soon I heard the front door open and heavy boot noises on the stairs. He walked into my room and I opened my arms for a hug. Instead he walked over and pulled me on his lap snuggling me close.

“I missed you so much Sauli. How are you feeling?”

“A little better still weak at times and need help doing stuff. I don’t need to take my valium anymore.” The smile that crossed Adam’s face was something beautiful to behold he was SOO excited.

“That’s awesome baby!”            

I had the best time with Adam the week that he stayed. We cuddled in bed mostly, watching movies and just enjoying each other’s company. I was so sad when he had to leave … I didn’t want him to go I wanted him to stay with me forever. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I wasn’t going to go back to LA. I couldn’t take the stress it was too much for me to handle. I talked to Adam almost every day on Skype but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t a substitute for being able to hug him … to kiss him. I was finally able to leave the house and I ran into my old crush Niko. We hit it off and I kind of started dating him. I didn’t want to hurt Adam though … I still loved him more than anything. The distance was just too much to handle … it wasn’t fair to either of us. We hadn’t talked in almost 2 weeks when he sent me a text to see if I was online because he needed to tell me something. I booted up Skype and soon I was staring at him on the computer screen. I needed to tell him and I guess now was as good a time as ever.

_“Hey baby!”_

_“Adam … we need to talk.”_

_“Go ahead … you go first.”_ His eyes grew big in worry and he stiffened up in his chair a bit anticipating what I was going to say wasn’t going to be good.

_“I don’t know how to tell you this but … I found someone else. His name is Niko he’s an old friend from high school. I really like him … I’m so happy._

The look on his face nearly severed my heart in two but then he put a fake smile on his face.

_“I’m glad you found someone Sauli. I’m happy for you.”_

_“Thank you … now you said you needed to tell me something?”_

_“Oh I just wanted to tell you I missed you is all. I have to go I forgot I have a meeting to get to.”_

He disconnected the chat before I could say anything else, leaving me staring at the blank screen.


	15. I Didn't Get A Chance

** Adam **

I took one last look at the blank screen of my computer and closed the lid. Snow covered the ground outside and I sighed tears making their way down my cheeks. Now what was I going to do? The surprise I had wanted to tell Sauli was that I was here for good. I had sold my house and quit singing for him … just for him. My phone was in my pocket so I pulled it out and called up Katri. She was the one who had helped me get everything set up … I knew I just had to talk to her.

_“Hello?”_

_“Katri …”_ I choked out my lungs feeling heavy like a boulder was pressing down on them. It felt like everything was crashing and I was going to be suffocated.

_“Adam what’s wrong!?!”_

_“Can you come over … I really need you right now.”_

_“Sweetheart calm down … I’ll be there in 10 minutes ok?”_

I waited by the front door and sure enough Katri showed up not quite 10 minutes later. She unlocked the door using the key she had made to help set the house up, and walked inside. I was an emotional mess so she walked over and wrapped her arms around me.

“What happened sweetheart?”

“He broke up with me Katri … he broke up with me.”

“What!?! Did you tell him about the house?”

“No … I didn’t get a chance. He’s already found someone … some guy named Niko.” The tears started their heavy assault again and I was completely 100% at the mercy of them. My eyes burning and stinging as they poured from them.

“Not him again he’s just a user. I’ll straighten him out Adam don’t you worry.” She was running her fingers thru my hair and I jolted causing her to jump.  

“No you have to promise you won’t! He seems so happy Katri … that’s all I want is for him to be happy.”

“What are you going to do?” She looked me dead in the eyes knowing how much I had given up for him … knowing I was now here alone in a foreign country not knowing hardly anyone.

“Stay here … I have no choice my house sold already.”

“Well how about we go out to dinner then I’ll take you to DTM, it might help get your mind off everything?

“No Katri it’s too soon. Eventually I’d love to but not now.”

She stared at me for a moment thinking before she spoke again.

“How about I go pick up dinner and ice cream for us? Then when I get back we’ll have a sleepover and watch sappy chick flicks.”

I gave her a tiny smile as I nodded. She was such a sweetheart, always wanting to make everyone feel better.

“Extra chocolate syrup please.”


	16. It Was Him

** Sauli **

It had been months since I spoke to Adam last not for lack of trying though. He was either ignoring me or worse had completely blocked me from contacting him. I missed him so much. I had moved into a small apartment with Niko and things were ok but our love was nothing like the connection that Adam and I shared. I was sitting in the living room and could hear Niko in the kitchen rifling thru the cabinets. Soon he walked into the room pouting.

“Sauli when are we going to the store? We don’t have any cereal or stuff for sandwiches.”

“I just went shopping 3 days ago!?!”

“I know but I’m hungry …”

“Alright come on we’ll head over now.”

I was getting frustrated with him. I had to pay for EVERYTHING from rent and bills to dates/dinners out. It was starting to get real old but I knew not to fight him on it. It wouldn’t end up well for me if I did I had learned that many times over now. It didn’t take us long to gather up what we needed then Niko surprised me by offering to pay for everything. I was standing in the back while he unloaded the cart when a familiar looking tuff of black hair caught my eye. I told myself I was just seeing things until the man turned and I realized it was him … it was Adam. I quickly ran down the aisle and ever so gently grabbed his arm. He turned toward me with broken eyes but quickly forced a small smile on his face.

“Hi Adam …”

“Hi. You look good … how are you feeling?”

“Much better.”

“That’s good I’m glad to hear that.” He broke eye contact and started studying the nutritional panel on a box of cereal that happened to be on the shelf next to him. After a moment of awkward silence I finally spoke up.

“Adam … what are you doing here?” He had just opened his mouth to answer when he was interrupted by Niko screaming for me and flailing around his declined debit card. I sighed and looked back at Adam. “I have to go take care of that … wait for me? I’ll just be a few minutes.”

Before he could say anything I dashed off and used my card to pay for everything. By the time the transaction was complete Adam was nowhere to be seen. I was going to go looking for him but Niko harshly grabbed my arm yanking me out toward the parking lot. I winced until he finally let go at the car if only so that I was free to load all the groceries. When we got home he left me to carry them in and slammed the door in my face making me struggle with my arms full to open it. I put the bags in the kitchen and unpacked them as he hovered behind me waiting for the food he wanted to eat. He grabbed the package of chicken wings and proceeded to scarf them all down without even asking if I wanted any. Not that I did, I had lunch plans with Katri, but that was beside the point. I grabbed my messenger bag and headed toward the door.

“Where are YOU going?”

“Remember I’m meeting Katri for lunch today.”

“Oh yeah that’s right … who was that guy you were talking to at the store?”

“Adam …” I whispered half hoping he wouldn’t hear and wouldn’t question again as grabbed my water bottle from the table.

“Adam, your ex-boyfriend Adam?!?” What the hell is he doing here!?! I thought he lived in LA?”

“He does … he’s probably just visiting Katri. The two of them got pretty close.”

“He better not be there today … you aren’t meeting him there are you!?!” He got right in my face giving me a threatening glare. I cowered shaking my head.

“No … no just Katri.”

“When will you be home?”

“I don’t know the bus schedule is weird over there … I have my cell.” I timidly answered knowing what his reaction was going to be I braced myself for what was about to come.

“No … you’re NOT leaving unless you tell me when you’ll be home!!!” He grabbed me by my shirt roughly slamming me against the wall. I yelped in pain the shock coursing thru all the old bruising still apparent on my body. “Oh stop being a pussy. You best be home by 5pm if you know what’s good for you.”

He let go and I stumbled outside clutching my side. I caught the bus and arrived at the café that I always met Katri at. She was sitting by the door drinking tea when I walked in and she stood up giving me a hug. I wanted to cry out from the pain but I didn’t want her to know … I didn’t want anyone to know. One look into my eyes and she could tell that I was upset. I told her that I was unhappy in the relationship leaving out all the abuse of course. She gently took my hand and let me toward the back of the café as we settled into our normal booth.

“Niko again?” I nodded and she shook her head sadly. “Sweetheart you have to leave him then. Especially if he’s making you this upset. Just break the lease you can come stay with me.”

“I saw Adam today …” I blurted out completely changing the subject. I didn’t want to have to explain why that was NOT an option. He would find me and probably kill me if I tried.

“Oh …” She didn’t say anything else as she sipped on her tea. I gave her a confused look and she set her cup down.

“You don’t seem surprised?”

“I just went out with him last night. We went out to eat and then to DTM. I talk to him all the time.”

“What is he doing here?”

“You’ll have to ask him.”

“That’s easier said than done. I can’t get him to answer any of my messages. He’s completely ignoring me.” I sighed straightening up a bit in the booth. I winced a bit from the movement but thankfully Katri had her attention elsewhere when it happened.

“Do you want me to see if I can get him to come down here? I won’t tell him you’re here. We were just here the other day so he knows how to get here.”

“Yes … please.”

She stepped off for a moment to make her phone call and a few minutes later returned to the booth.

“He’ll be here in 10 minutes. Stay where you are because he won’t be able to see you when he walks in. I’ll go greet him and bring him over.” My stomach was doing flip-flops of nervousness as the minutes ticked by. Then I could hear the door chime and Katri stood up walking a few feet behind where I was sitting. Soon they both came into my vision and as soon as Adam saw me he went to make a bee-line for the door. “No! You both need to talk … sit! Now I’m going over to sit at the door don’t get any ideas about leaving.”

She gently pushed him down so that he was sitting on the other side of the booth where Katri had been. He clenched his hands together and kept avoiding eye contact. I decided to make a ballsy move and gently put my hand on his rubbing the back of it. He unclenched them and relaxed them on the table allowing me to continue.

“Adam … why are you here?” As my voice pierced the air he looked up at me with eyes I almost didn’t recognize. They were so broken looking … so dull and lifeless.

“I … I live here Sauli.”

I gasped in shock startling him a bit as he pulled his hand away from mine. “What!?! Since when?!?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about on Skype. I sold my house … I quit singing. Built this gorgeous house with a HUGE sauna outback because I remembered how much you said you wanted one. I just wanted to be with you.” He bit at his lip trying to stop the tears from falling and it broke my heart as I realized how much of a damn fool I had been. Leaving Adam was supposed to be the best for the both of us so we could BOTH move on and not be held down by a long distance relationship. Instead all I did was break his heart in a million pieces after he had given up EVERYTHING for me.

“I … I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry Adam … I really am.”

“You didn’t know you thought you were doing what was best. I just want to see you happy Sauli … nothing is more precious than your smile.” I couldn’t help it, the tears started pouring down my face. Adam got immediately concerned and got up sliding in the booth seat right next to me. The inane urge to protect me was apparently still there.

“Sauli … what’s wrong?!?”

“I’m not happy Addy …”

“Come here sunshine …”

Gladly I curled up against him carefully snuggling in feeling loved and protected for the first time in a while. I quietly sobbed against his chest as he lovingly rubbed my back. It hurt a bit with the bruising but I felt so at peace I couldn’t bear to stop him. Katri walked over with a huge smile on her face.

“You both belong together … you’re soul mates. Let’s order something to eat alright? Tell me what you want and I’ll go get it.”

We gave her our order and she went and picked it up so we didn’t have to move. I looked into Adam’s eyes and he gave me one of his precious smiles before caressing my cheek.

“I’ve missed you so much Adam … so very much.”

“I’ve missed you more.”

After we finished eating we gave Katri goodbye hugs because she had a meeting she had to get to on time. I was standing outside the café waiting for the bus to arrive. Adam stood next to me looking at me funny.

“You can leave the bus isn’t set to arrive for another 45 minutes. I don’t wanna make you stand here for no reason.”

“I can give you a ride home if you want? You could come see the house quick.”

“I’d like that … I’d like that a lot.”

Together we walked over to Adam’s car and drove to the house. It was absolutely gorgeous and he wasn’t kidding that the sauna was huge. He ushered me inside and I just stood there in awe. He had decorated and organized the house with me in mind and it was amazing. I went to follow him upstairs but the movement required caused me to yelp out in agony as I stumbled a bit toward the wall for support. He flew down the stairs and gently put his hand on my shoulder.

“What’s wrong?!?”

“Nothing …” I quickly looked down avoiding eye contact and it only took a moment until Adam’s hand was under my chin tenderly lifting it.

“Sauli please … tell me?”

I looked at him with pain filled eyes and gently removed my sweater. Upon seeing the large purple bruises that littered my torso and arms he gasped.

“Does he do this to you!?!”

“I … I deserve it … I make him mad.”

“No … no you don’t deserve it. Don’t ever say you do. Come sit.” He led me over to the couch and then disappeared into the bathroom. He walked back in with a tube of some kind of cream. “I got into a little car accident a few months ago and they gave me this. It’s supposed to help with bruising to reduce the pain. May I?”

I nodded and soon his hands were tenderly massaging the cream on my whole torso. God it felt like heaven. I looked him in the eyes as he finished and couldn’t help but kiss him. He deepened the kiss and I gently slid off his shirt tilting him backward on the couch so I was on top of him. It only lasted a few minutes but then I just stayed on his chest listening to the familiar steady rhythm of his heartbeat. It was my favorite lullaby and I ended up drifting off to sleep.


	17. Your Problems Are My Problems

** Adam **

I loved having him snuggled up on me. He looked so at peace and it brought back so many happy memories. I couldn’t help but lightly run my fingers down his back. His phone started going off like crazy so I put it on silent so he could continue sleeping. At around 6:30pm he started to stir and looked up at me with a sleepy smile.

“Hi Addy …”

“Hi sunshine … you can sleep more if you want to angel.”

He snuggled back in and mumbled against my chest. “What time is it?”

“It’s only 6:30pm.”

“Oh … wait WHAT?!? Oh my god he’s going to KILL me!! I was supposed to be home by 5pm.” He jumped up and grabbed for his phone which made him yelp out in pain. “65 missed calls?!? I’m so dead!! Why was my phone on silent?!?”

“I didn’t want it to wake you … you were sleeping so soundly.”

“Please take me home … I need to go home. Need to come up with a good excuse think Sauli THINK!”

He started pacing in circles so I walked over and gently grabbed his shoulders halting his movement. He looked up at me confused until I gently brought him down on my lap on the couch. I wrapped my arms around him tenderly holding his close.

“I’m going to protect you Sauli … you’re not going back to him. He’s not going to harm one hair on your pretty little head.”

“This is my problem Adam … I don’t want to get you involved.”

“Sauli … YOUR problems are MY problems. I love you …”

“And I love you … are you sure?”

“Definitely. Come on you have to see the upstairs.”

I gently cradled him in my arms and carried him upstairs so he wouldn’t have to hurt himself. When he set eyes on the master bedroom suite his mouth dropped. It was spacious with a HUGE walk in closet. I had left Sauli’s side empty all this time because it didn’t feel right for me to take of what was going to be “his” space. He smiled seeing that and I could tell it touched him. Then I took him into the bathroom and he saw that there was a jacuzzi tub and a walk in shower with temperature control on it. I sat him on the edge of the jacuzzi and kissed him.

“Up for a little dip in the jacuzzi with me?”

“That sounds … amazing.”

I reached over and filled up the tub getting it to a warm enough temperature. Sauli stripped and I appreciatively checked him out from head to toe as he giggled. He slid into the warm water and sighed. I slid off my jeans and underwear and Sauli was checking me out too.

“Like what you see?”

“Oh yes … very much”

I smirked and slid into the water sitting next to him. He snuggled close and leaned backward on my chest completely relaxed. He had his eyes closed and I decided to tease him by brushing my hand against his flaccid member. He moaned lightly in my ear and took my earlobe in his mouth lightly sucking on it.

“Mmmm so … nice.” I purred lolling my head backward to give him better access. He giggled and teasingly kissed my neck.  

“Nice huh …”

He got up to readjust and sat down on my lap facing me my erection teasing his hole. Our lips connected and I opened my mouth allowing his tongue access. It felt so amazingly right. Sauli started grinding up against me and I moaned into his mouth before pulling away.

“Baby no I don’t want to hurt you … all the bruises.”

“It’s fine … hush.” He stood up and sat back down inserting myself inside him. I could see pain evident on his face and I went to pull him off but he held my arms down. “I’ll be ok just give me a minute.”

“Are you sure Sauli?” He nodded as tears splashed down his face. He finally gave up and stood up moving away from me sobbing. “Come here … come sit next to me. It’s ok …”

“No it’s not ok … IT’S NOT!! It hurts so bad … he rapes me Adam, no prep … no lube.” He cried in emotional and physical agony and it broke my heart. My poor babe.

“Let me see?”

He moved and I could see a lot of blood in the water. Sauli saw and got scared so I gently pulled him over to me. He

“No Adam … I’m bleeding.”

“It’s only blood baby I have to make sure you’re ok.” He turned around and I could see that he was still really bleeding and had a large gash.

“It’s bad … isn’t it?”

“Yeah you have a really big gash there. I think I need to take you to the hospital.”

“No Addy … please I don’t want random guys looking at my ass.”

“I think I have some cream around here because I had one a few months ago. If the bleeding stops we can try that.”

“I’m sorry …”

“What is there for you to be sorry about? Don’t be silly baby I’ll get you all fixed up ok?”

I drained the tub water and noticed that he had stopped bleeding. I carried him over to the bed and laid him on his stomach. I uncapped the tube of cream and applied a glob to a fingertip. The second the cream touched the gash he yelped in pain.

“I know baby it stings really bad. I’m almost done I promise.” I finished and I laid down gently bringing him on top of me. He was still crying and I just rubbed his back reassuringly. “Everything will be ok angel I promise. The cream will probably make you sleepy so you just rest. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

He looked into my eyes with a loving look of complete trust and surrender. I smiled at him and gently ran my fingers thru his hair soothing him to sleep. He was out about an hour when my phone started ringing. I reached over to the nightstand and saw that it was Katri. I silenced it and texted her so my talking wouldn’t wake Sauli up.

_“What’s up? Sauli is sleeping I don’t want to wake him.”_

_“Oh he’s there?”_

_“Yeah why?”_

_“Niko is here … he’s really mad Adam.”_

_“That bastard better never come near Sauli again. He rapes and abuses him you should see the bruises Katri. They are awful.”_

_“He won’t leave.”_

_“Adam help he’s trying to hurt me!! He has a knife!!!!”_

_“I’m coming I’ll be there as quick as I can!!”_

I didn’t want to wake Sauli but I didn’t have a choice. I gently rolled him off me and got him snuggled up under the blankets. I was almost off the bed when he opened his eyes. I didn’t want to scare him telling him about Katri so I just gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“I have to run to the store for a little bit. You stay here all snuggled up and I’ll be back very soon ok? I love you.”

“I … love you.”

I quickly dressed and ran outside to my car calling 911 on the way. The speed limit signs were ignored and within 8 minutes I was at Katri’s house. I stormed in the backdoor and found Katri cowering in a corner. I ran over and she threw herself into my arms.

“Are you ok!?!”

“I … I think so. He left … he picked up my phone and then he left. Oh my god!!! Adam leave go home hurry he’s going there I know it!!!! I have a GPS tracker for Sauli’s phone!!!!”

My heart started racing as I sped back to the house. I opened the front door and heard screams of terror and agony coming from upstairs. I flew up the stairs and found that the bedroom door was locked. I slammed it open and saw Niko forcefully raping Sauli his hands around his neck. Upon seeing me enter his hands around his neck got tighter and I could hear the strangled sounds of Sauli trying to catch his breath. I grabbed at Niko trying to get him to release his grip and finally I managed to throw him off where I punched his lights out. I ran back over to Sauli and realized that he wasn’t breathing. I immediately started CPR.

“Come on baby breathe for me!! Sauli don’t leave me, don’t you dare leave me!”

After a few minutes I was able to get Sauli breathing again. It was then I noticed he was bleeding from a large gash on his arm. I reached for the pillowcase and ripped it apart tying it around his arm to stop the bleeding. There was so much irony in having to use the pillowcase. Back when we were in LA, Sauli had fallen in love with this bedding set and begged me for it because it said the set was $40. When we went back to the store we realized that the sign said ‘starting at $40 and that was the cost for ONE pillowcase. Needless to say he wouldn’t allow me to buy the set even though I said I would still buy it for him. When I built the house I bought 2 whole sets and now one of the $40 pillowcase was in shreds wrapped around his arm. Katri arrived as they were rushing Sauli to the hospital to get him stabilized. They were also taking Niko out of the house in handcuffs now that he was awake. He saw me and was fighting the cops trying to get at me.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU ADAM!!!! MARK MY WORDS YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!!!!”

They shoved him in the patrol car and sped off. I grabbed Katri’s arm and pulled her toward my car. She was so confused she didn’t know what had happened. As I sped toward the hospital I knew I had to explain.

“He … strangled Sauli. He stopped breathing …”

“Is he going to be ok!?!”

“I … I don’t know. We just need to get there NOW.”

The second we pulled up to the hospital I jumped out at the curb and Katri went to park my car for me. I rushed in and they told me that on the way there he had a stroke and they were trying to get him stabilized. They gave me a pager and sent me to the waiting room. Katri met me there and she sat while I paced back and forth like some kind of caged animal. Finally she grabbed my arm and pulled me down.

“Relax … that’s only going to upset you more. Just sit here with me.”

I sat there and the tears came. Katri gently hugged me not letting go. After about 2 hours the pager went off and I walked up to the desk. They sent me down a winding hallway and told me to wait in a small room for the doctor to come in. I could tell that it wasn’t good news I just prayed that they wouldn’t tell me he was gone. I wouldn’t be able to take that. After waiting what seemed like an eternity the doctor walked in the room and closed the door behind him. He walked over and shook my hand.

“Adam right?” I nodded and he paused sitting down across from me before continuing. “We were able to stabilize Mr. Koskinen, however he’s in a coma. We don’t know what if any damage the stroke caused. He could be completely fine, he could have limited movement, limited speech. We won’t know until he wakes up … IF he wakes up.”

“If? What do you mean if?!?” My lip began to quiver and I could tell the tears were trying to force their way out. It was taking every ounce of my being to stop them.

“His condition is very serious Adam. He had a loss of blood flow and oxygen to his brain and other organs when he stopped breathing.”

“Can I see him?”

“Yes but I have to prepare you … he’s on a lot of machines. It might be a little jarring to see.”

“I don’t care … I need to see him.”  

He nodded and I followed him down the hallways to the ICU. As soon as we walked inside the sickening smell of antiseptic hit me and made me want to vomit. We arrived at the room and my heart fell into my stomach. He was white as a ghost with machines doing pretty much everything for him including breathing. The doctor gently patted my shoulder and left the room so that I was alone. I walked over and gently caressed his lifeless cheek.

“I’m so sorry baby. This is all my fault. Please don’t leave me Sauli, I don’t think I can live without you … in fact I KNOW I can’t. You’re such a fighter baby I know you won’t give up. I’m not going anywhere I’m not leaving you again.”

When I said I wasn’t going anywhere I meant it. I didn’t leave the room for the next 2 months. I barely ate other than what Katri brought and pretty much shoved down my throat. I slept in a chair next to the bed. His condition really didn’t improve much other than if I sang. Anytime I sang his blood pressure would rise … my baby was still there, he could hear me. I wasn’t taking care of myself and it showed. My hair was a matted mess and I had lost 40lbs. I barely got any sleep because of the incessant beeping of the monitors. Katri finally convinced me to go home for the night by offering to take the night shift for me. I hesitantly agreed and left for my house. When I walked in the house it just felt so empty … so wrong to be there. I walked upstairs and saw that Katri had washed the blood soaked sheets and remade the bed. I took a shower then curled up on the bed and somehow managed to fall asleep. At about 4am I was awoken by my phone ringing. My heart started racing and I fumbled for it in my sleepy stupor.

 _“Hello!?!”_ All I could think was please don’t tell me he’s gone … I can’t lose him.

_“Adam … Sauli is awake!! They’re going to wean him off the ventilator!!”_

_“He is?!?”_ My heart was pounding against my chest rhythmically like some kind of over excited cuckoo clock.

_“Yeah … he is. He came back to you Adam.”_

_“I’ll be right there.”_

I hung up and raced to the hospital. When I walked in the room, Katri was talking to Sauli and he was staring at her. She smiled and stepped back as I entered allowing me to walk up to his bedside. Sauli just stared into my eyes intently like he was trying to engrain them in his memory. Then he slowly moved his hand over and grasped mine.

“Hey baby … I knew you’d come back to me. I love you so much.”

I leaned down and tenderly kissed his forehead. His eyelids were getting droopy from sleep so I softly sang to him and it didn’t take more than 5 minutes for him to be out cold. They took him off the ventilator and a couple of the other machines so the only thing he was on was his blood pressure monitor, oxygen saturation monitor, and an IV for fluids and antibiotics to prevent infection. Now that I knew he was ok I went into the family sleeping room and finished getting a good night’s rest. I wanted to REALLY be there for him in the morning when he woke up. I knew it was going to be a long road ahead but I wasn’t going to give up on him that easy.


	18. Stubborn Little Shit

** Sauli **

It has been almost 2 months since I’d been released from the hospital. I didn’t get to go home though, they put me in a rehab facility for speech and physical therapy. When I first got there I couldn’t walk more than a couple of shaky steps and I could barely get coherent words out. But with Adam’s constant help I had made a ton of progress. He had gotten me a private suite and was staying there with me 100% of the time. He was actually the one who worked with me on my therapy most of the time because he knew how to deal with my stubbornness when I had enough but still had more to do. I was sitting on Adam’s lap on the bed working on my speech therapy.

“Th-eh .. Dd-ug .. Rh-an .. Fhh-ah-ss-tt. Hh-ee .. whh-ahhs .. bahh-roww-nn … ahh-nndd … whh-ahh-ii-te.”

“Good job baby! Just another 2 pages.” I let out an annoyed sigh which made Adam crack up laughing. “Baby you know you have to do your speech therapy. It’s either me do it with you or the therapist. Which would you prefer? At least with me you get encouragement between pages.” He kissed at my cheek and I got a smile on my face and snuggled back against him. “Alright you don’t have to do anymore pages if you talk to me.

He gently turned me toward him and I just stared at him. I didn’t like trying to have conversations with anybody … I felt embarrassed. Adam was the only person I would talk for … not even Katri. I hung my head and Adam gently lifted it up placing a kiss on my lips trying to encourage me. I would NOT be able to do this without him.

“I-eh … Lll-oo-vah … Yoo-oooh.”

“I love you too baby.” He cooed snuggling me close in his arms.

“Fuh-oor-eeehhh-vehh-errr?”

“And ever … and ever … and ever!”

He gently attacked my neck with kisses making me have a giggle fit. I gently rested my head in the crook of his neck and snuggled in close.

“Ahh-duh-umm .. thh-aann-kahh … yoo-oooh”

“For what?”

“Fuh-oor .. behh-ee-ingg … hah-eeerr … fuh-oor … mmeehh-eee.”

Tears splashed Adam’s shoulder and he gently moved me so that he was staring directly into my eyes.

“You are my WORLD Sauli … you’re everything to me. I’d do anything for you baby … ANYTHING. You feel up to walking for a bit with me? If I don’t take you now the therapist will want to take you and we both know you’re a stubborn little shit with her.”

I gave him an innocent smile and nodded. So Adam stood up and helped me stand. I was a little weaker on my right side, so he grabbed that arm and we started walking down the hallway together. We walked the whole loop of the floor and when we made our way back around Katri was waiting in my room. She was so excited to see me up and about … this was the first time she had seen me walking. Adam helped me sit back in the chair and as soon as I was settled, she came over and very gently hugged me.

“Hey sweetheart you’re walking!! I’m so proud of you!”

I just smiled at her afraid to let her hear my voice. Adam gently nudged me and looked me in the eyes.

“Say hi to her baby. It’s ok …”

“Heh-iii .. Kaa-ahh-att-trrr-eee.”

She beamed at me and kissed my forehead. “You’re come so far sweetheart … I’m so proud of you!”

She stayed for about an hour and then we curled up in bed watching TV. Every night Adam gave me a full body massage to help with blood circulation. At first one of the nurses was doing it but they taught Adam how so I could be more comfortable. He was the only one that I would be completely relaxed with touching me that intimately since I had to be naked. He gently got off the bed and walked over to the side and started. I just closed my eyes as every last muscle completely relaxed. Adam liked to create a little more enjoyment by every once in a while placing gentle kisses on my skin. He finally finished and slid a pair of my sweats on me before tenderly kissing my lips. Then he curled up in bed next to me snuggling me close. We just laid there and Adam started giggling to himself. I looked over at him with a confused look and he stared at me with a smile.

“I never told you something. You’re going to laugh. Remember that sheet set you wanted me to buy you in LA? The one with the $40 sign?” I nodded and he giggled again. “Well I bought two of the sheet sets for the house. When Niko attacked you, you were bleeding badly from your arm so I grabbed the closest thing and shredded it … the $40 pillowcase. What irony huh?”

I giggled at him and nodded playfully kissing at his exposed neck. He arched his neck backward allowing me better access as quiet moans escaped his mouth. I smirked at him and dragged my fingertips down the length of his cock as he shuddered.

“Sauli … no don’t … shit.”

“Guh-ood .. aarr-mm .. ex-eerr-sigh-ss.”

He giggled at me allowing me to pull up the blankets to cover us. I knew I nurse wouldn’t be in until 9pm when they came to give me my medicine so I knew we were clear until then. I slid my left arm down his pants and gently freed his growing erection as he groaned. I smirked and ran my thumb over the tip earing a primal moan from his mouth. I gently put my finger over his lips to quiet him down before continuing with a steady movement. He was so pent up from lack of sex that it didn’t take long at all for him to be on the edge. I quickly took him in my mouth to catch all his juices as he came hard down my throat. I slid up his body fiercely kissing him. He hummed his appreciation as he slid his pants back up.

“Thank you baby … shit so … good.”

“ Yoo-oooh .. dee-sir-veh .. it.”


	19. You Have To Practice

** Adam **

It was Sauli’s birthday and they gave him THE best birthday present by telling him he could go home. He was getting around a lot better and his speech was ALMOST perfect. He just had to think about each word before he said it. I got all his stuff packed up and drove him home. He was SO excited to be home again. When we got there Katri, Sauli’s parents, Sauli’s sisters and their families, and a couple of his friends were there. He was so surprised. I got him all settled in the living room so he could spend time with his friends and family while I went and unpacked everything. I went into my top dresser drawer and retrieved a small black velvet ring box and pocketed it. Then I retrieved a special book that I had made. I walked downstairs and realized that Sauli wasn’t really talking to anyone not wanting anyone to hear him. I walked over and handed him the book which made him sigh.

“I know baby but you know the rules. The doctor said you could come home but you have to practice. Show everyone how far you’ve come. I promise it’s a good book.”

He hesitantly took the book and I sat down across from him. He opened it up and I could see the smile on his face as he looked at the first page and realized that I had this book made for him.

“There … once … was … a … man … named … Adam. He … was … very … lonely … and … sad. Then … he … found … his … Nordic … god … Sauli … and … they … fell … madly … in … love … with … each … other. Adam … always … was … there … for ... Sauli … just … like … Sauli … was … always … there … for … Adam. They … had … their … hard … times … but … they … always … found … their … way … back … to … each other. They … were … soul … mates. Adam … knew … that … he … couldn’t … live … without … Sauli … so … he … decided … to … make … him … his … husband. He … just … hoped … he … would … say … yes.”

He looked up and realized that I was on one knee in front of him holding out the open ring box. He immediately started tearing up.

“Baby … you mean everything to me and I know I mean everything to you. I love you more than life itself. I want to grow old with you and never leave your side. Sauli Eerik Koskinen … will you marry me?”

“Yes! I … love … you.

“And I love you sunshine … so much.”

I reached out and slid the platinum ring on his finger as everyone came over for hugs with tears in their eyes. They were so happy for us and as I stood there with my arms around my sunshine I knew that I was blessed beyond belief.


End file.
